wish i had the courage
to say, when will you ever pass me a compliment, one that isn’t attached to a “but”. when would i hear something about me that you appreciate? when would you stop going on about how i should do moremoremore? most importantly. would there ever come a time when me being happy matters more than how ugly or awful this and that looks. when would my happiness be placed above how you think others look at me or how presentable you think i am? when would you stop, to realise that your words mean much? you know how a compliment works wonders, just one would be fine. instead of “i don’t understand why you have to _, it’s so ugly.” tell you how that goes right through my heart. wish you knew the shit i’m going through every single time you run me down. i thought there should have been more of appreciation, like how i appreciate you. spare me the degradory stuff please, i just need something pleasant. never found it hard but it seems impossible to get it past your lips. wasn’t there once, ever, you thought about something nice in me? well, i always saw the nice side of you. often enough, i compliment you and tell you how much i appreciate this and that. so why, why do i have to feel so lousy, as though i’ve done nothing good. gonna pluck up my courage, wanna talk to you. or would i not? think i have to.
i’m fourty nine point three now 8) to think i was worried about being fourty nine point nine yesterday. not gonna get so depressed about my weight anymore. still remember how i almost cried last time when i gained hundred grams. hahaha. think i’m fine now, besides my tummy and thighs. and flabby arms too. a little fats on my face. okay, shall count my blessings and give thanks, why should i keep asking for more from myself. when i’m happy, i’m happy. doesn’t bother me if you think i’m fat anymore. because i don’t feel fat :)
wanna trim my fringe though, it’s so irritating, keep falling onto my face, cover my eyes, this and that.
christmas is coming, thought it would be like the most special one this year but my hopes were dashed because my intended partner would be pretty far away. than again, there’s church! not so lonely at church anymore :D christmas presents!
been thinking about my paternal relatives too. hope we’ll stil get together on special occasions, kinda miss my aunt :( she always was so nice to me, ahhhhhhhh. thought i would miss daddy more than this when we went seperate ways but i think everything’s fine because he misses us very much. brings us out for lunch every now and then :)
Hey, I feel your sadness but idk how I can help make you feel better. I’ll be here if you need someone to talk to okay, 24/7! :] see you soon. ♥
